Childhood memories: Is it your boon or a bane?

Childhood , ideally is a time of play, happiness and safety. It's a time to be nurtured into all that one can become . A time to enjoy attention and care. However, in a fractured world, it is not common to find parents that know how to do their job. Parents themselves have had wounded childhoods and are not aware of the wounds being wounds. It was their normal.

This is perhaps why Gibran said to all parents "You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you"

Many children who grew up in neglectful or abusive homes, or even homes that were not their own, coped with their realities as best they could. But these mechanisms of coping continue even when situations change. Kavya, learned to cope with the reality of a physically abusive father and a fearful mother by suppressing all emotion. Today as an adult, she is unable to be emotionally available in a relationship, not because she doesn't want to, but because she doesn't know what it means to be so. Nitin grew up in a family with 6 other children he was the 4th one. No one really noticed anything about him other than that he was so agreeable. At work, he avoids any opportunity that makes him the center of attention. He laughs and says - I prefer the background. This would have been ok if it were his choice- but it is just his script.

Childhood plays a pivotal role in our mental make up- many of our limiting beliefs and behavioral patterns can be traced back there. However, blaming parents is futile, especially in adulthood, because Its just another way to continue being what one doesn't want to be. As a therapist, I have seen parents hurt by their children as much as children hurt by their parents. When children lash out and hate their parents and treat them in dismissive and disrespectful ways, how does it help anyone? Wounds are rarely healed by wounding others.

Healing childhood hurt happens when the adult within us takes responsibility for the child within us. Let me explain. Lets say you have had a childhood which taught you not to speak up out of fear of ridicule or criticism. As an adult, when you accept this timid child within you, acknowledging and understanding that he learnt this way of being, in order to avoid hurt, you start to let the child relax into a space of safety. Becoming aware that it was perhaps very smart to do so as a child, when he didn't have much power and that it was his decision, in a particular context, you begin to see why that behavior is not relevant anymore- that being the same kind of smart means that you adapt now to behave in a way that serves you. In therapy, uncovering all of this happens in a safe space, with support. you can feel free to go through the process of healing and rewiring without having to also be the adult who does it.

We can offer children good homes, if we have clarity on what that means. Is it by giving them all that they want or by protecting them from every adversity? Is it by holding them to strict values or by giving them all freedom? It is no easy task to get it right. Perhaps the best way would be to first identify and heal ones own issues as a person and then to parent. I think that raising children well starts first with parent healing and then with parent skilling. We regularly have workshops for parents. So do reach out if you would like to know more. Also do let me know your thoughts!