“Here I am – this is me”

Do you know the word for fear of trusting another? It’s Pistanthrophobia. Sounds like being pissed at all humans, however Pistis apparently is Greek for trust. So the word means a fear of trusting a human. To the English speaking world- it might have been better to call it just trustophobia. It’s that fear that holds you back from sharing an innovative idea or saying that you love someone. It is the fear that you feel when you are conscious of being seen and the fear of being judged.

Vulnerability, the ability to let oneself be open to hurt sounds like weakness; after all why would one want to do this in a world that is so full of harshness? Being strong and protected sounds better. But is this the case in a relationship? Isn’t it the one space one chooses for companionship and love? If we can’t be vulnerable here – then what is the point of the relationship? In this blog, I want to explore being vulnerable in more detail and look at what it entails and how it allows intimacy to flourish within a relationship. Understanding what it is. Within a relationship, vulnerability is the willingness to expose yourself emotionally and to show your fears, weaknesses, and imperfections. It is an authentic space and becomes the line to cross as you build trust and create a deep and meaningful connection; it invites the other to also enter an authentic space and creates a sense of investment into the relationship.

Often this is confused with over sharing or venting. A state of “I have nothing to hide”. The difference is that vulnerability is a choice to involve another person so as to create understanding and closeness, while emotional dumping is about sharing excessive personal information, without considering how the listener might feel. For example when Neena talks to Rahul, her partner about her anxiety regarding an interview she has to attend, saying that she is not as prepared as she’d like to be, she is being vulnerable. However if she were to talk about this to someone waiting to be interviewed with her, it can cause the listener to keep a distance. Vulnerability is able to build trust and connection, but over sharing results in the listener feeling overwhelmed and wanting to keep away.

Why it is important

Being vulnerable enhances emotional intimacy through allowing your partner to see what you are really going through and also by giving them the opportunity to show compassion and empathy. It keeps communication honest and this can lead to faster and better conflict resolution too. Brene Brown discusses how it’s important to check in with your partner about their energy levels. It’s their ability to be present, kind and involved at the end of a day. She suggests that we quantify it. Both partners say where they stand on a scale of 100 and if their totals don’t add up they figure out a plan on how to keep the space between them good, while they get back on their feet. A simple and brilliant technique!

Why it is difficult

Here are  some of the  reasons we might not want to be vulnerable:

1.      A fear of rejection: Being rejected is hearing someone say that you are not ok. It’s the same when one is being judged; somehow the listener is being told that they don’t measure up. Most people want to maintain an appearance and learn to hide what is going on. However this carries into their personal spaces too. If Seema is afraid to tell Karan that she is suffering with depression, for fear that he might be dismissive; she is hanging on to a relationship that is but a shell.  If he values her, he will only offer support and ask how he can help. If he doesn’t, then the fabric of the relationship is weak.

2.     Past experiences:  A past relationship, which resulted in a heartbreak or betrayal, where your vulnerabilities where used against you can be a reason to be careful. However not all relationships are alike and not having the intimacy that comes from vulnerability can make the whole experience seem transactional. Once you work on healing the trauma from the past, you begin to see that vulnerability is not about the other person, but about how you want to show up in a relationship.

3.     Cultural norms : Society tends to have gender related norms when it comes to expressing emotions. Many times men are told to appear strong and “ man up” and challenging these norms can feel unnecessary or difficult. In the same way mothers are judged for having career aspirations. Or single women for wanting to remain single. It is  wonderful that now we live in a rather gender fluid society and it has become accepted that we all have varying ratios of masculine and feminine energies within us- allowing us to be whatever we are.

4.     Fear of burdening others: Talking about say financial worries or sexual difficulties  can seem like you are asking for help, when you might just want to have a conversation. There is a tendency to jump in and fix problems in the lives of those we hold close. But perhaps this invalidates their own capacity for finding solutions. However, when we share about our difficulties, it can result in just finding practical help. The fear of being a burden arises from the expectation of such help.

Starting with small steps, by sharing smaller, less intimidating personal feelings can help build the foundation of trust. Helping each other feel safe, by creating an environment that is not judgmental and by learning how to listen well and ask the right questions  can go a long way. These are learnt skills and the reason many people start and give up is that they think such skills are organically developed or that its so simple. In therapy, couples often end up laughing when they see how difficult a simple conscious conversation can get.

As a personal example, I have put off sharing online about my work or my thoughts for the longest time. It seemed to me that all the knowledge or information anyone sought is already out there. I wondered what I could contribute. I have a fairly successful therapy practice and have more than 25 years of work in the area of counseling, coaching and therapy. Author friends egged me on by telling me that different people needed to hear from different voices. So this blog is my attempt to challenge myself. Top show up and to be seen, when we have no control over the consequence can be daunting. But as the best minds put it- its not about winning and losing.

I will have a book out soon, putting together the ideas in these blogs with exercises and stories that delve into these topics and make it applicable to your lives. If you would like for me to include more ideas, please do message me or share your thoughts and comments below.